Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Triangle of Seduction

PZN is proud to release its first short story, "The Triangle of Seduction" by our resident author Photogzilla Rockstar.

*All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All grammar and spelling mistakes are not meant for teachers to grade.*

It was a dark late night. Jessi sat there with a glass of wine thinking about how she could make an impact on the world, but mostly in her sad bank account. She was at a crossroads thinking about what in life she would be good at. She had began to wonder about her interest in photography and how she could make a gazillion dollars. Of course, weddings! How hard could it be?

Fast forward in time. She joined FDW (For Da Win, an online photographer's forum) and was reading and soaking in all the knowledge she could. Pretty soon, she realized everyone was quite the whiner, complained, and had the egos of an ox. "Wow, what a bunch of idiots," she thought, "That's okay, I'm going to get what I can and get the hell out of here."

Armed with some basic knowledge of the lightest camera to use in her small man hands and where to get stuff printed, she knew she had to network. Ah, network. That was the key to her's and everyone's success throughout history. Know the right people, and you can really go places. She had already made a few connections through the forum but also had heard some of the names that were being thrown around.

Being online, the internet was like a baby and no one quite knew what it would be when it grew up. Some realized its potential while some didn't. Regardless, everyone knew this was going to be changing the way people interacted with others as email had already become a primary source of communication. Small business website were just beginning to take shape as HTML was being learned by an entirely new generation. A few photographers were taking advantage of this online presence, including one guy living in Apple County.

As Jessi took stock of all the connections she had made, she knew she had to take some drastic actions and find someone who could help her go further. There was this guy named Mickey who had also faked his way into the industry trying to get some pricing information from this one guy, who went by the name The Pecker. After that, The Pecker tried to help out Mickey learn the ropes. Mickey never realized the Pecker was going through some sexual confusion and was attracted a little to Mickey. Regardless, Mickey and The Pecker continued their friendship, even though the Pecker was hoping either A) He could score with Mickey or B) Mickey would help The Pecker score with anything with a pulse merely by association.

Jessi had heard of and seen The Pecker. Now Jessi knew The Pecker was a bit overweight and had pretty bad eating habits. However, this wasn't going to stop her from being a successful business woman. She was willing to do whatever it took to get her magic kingdom of fortune.

The Pecker had his own path to success; having a large mouth like a good salesman, he had made himself known by coming up with an ingenious plan of using one name to brand himself. After all, who couldn't remember a name like The Pecker? The other thing he had going for him was what he referred to the blow me pose. Every person he would shoot, he would tell them to crouch down on the ground to his waist level, turn side ways, and look up. This pose would be trivial in his success on the art of posing in his own workshops in the future, as well every single person he would shoot professionally or for personal use (At the time of this report, this single pose is still being used by The Pecker as well as others. No other poses have been taught).

Now, some might wonder, "but how did The Pecker get the name the PECKER?" Good question our fellow readers. The one thing many don't realize is what they actually DO realize. Especially our female readers. If you didn't know The Pecker The Known Photographer, according to our scientific survey, most women find him quite a turnoff and some even went as far as saying they would not even pay him any attention without his 'branding.' And why do women get this uncomfortable feeling? Well, many can profile his personality by instinct alone and some by conservative principles. The Pecker's lifestyle includes junk food and gambling...a lot. Not very damning, however, before his attempts at wedding photography, he had a dark secret no one knew about it. The Pecker had tried his luck with another interesting subject matter: pornography. In hopes of scoring with hot easy women on the casting couch, The Pecker was shooting pornography to make a living. As many know now, that didn't quite work for him as he found wedding photography to help pay the rent. Apparently, he was not able to focus on the job, but more importantly, The Pecker has always had a hard time getting women to take their clothes off.

As Jessi and The Pecker became friends, Jessi knew in the back of her head she needed to secure The Pecker's loyalty & support. As time went on, she used what she had as a woman to seduce The Pecker's needs. It had been quite some time since any woman had seen him naked, and of course, this wasn't going to change. Not exactly at least. Jessi herself wasn't exactly what one would refer to as quite comfortable in her own skin. She didn't care; she'll do whatever it took to make her mark. Just turn off the light and neither one would have to actually see the other.

After a night of drinking and pretending to enjoy the game of poker, she finally seduced The Pecker. He had not had certain gratification in ages, except when he had to pay for it, so she knew what he wanted. At first, when she saw him without clothes, his love for junk food was more then apparent. She had to sacrifice and put her discomforts to the side. After this one occurrence of one sided satisfaction and The Pecker rolling over & passing out, she had secured a closer relationship with The Pecker...and his pecker...taking her name to a broader audience. She could now name drop The Pecker in all her blog posts and other daily activities they would be involved in. She had been accepted into the circle.

As she continued to build a personal relationship with The Pecker, what she didn't know was that The Pecker was himself securing a relationship with another photographer. Her name was Eli Seats. Eli also wanted to secure a financial future, but didn't have the public appeal or presence. Only an average wedding photographer herself, she had to come up with a way to help herself to some cha-ching. At this point, both The Pecker and Eli were going to use each other to get ahead.

The interesting twist comes from the fact Eli was keeping an eye on Jessi as well, even though both women were sleeping with The Pecker at the same time. This didn't matter to each woman as greed kept their focus on their goals. Jessi had been blogging like a mad woman, even posting photos of rusty fences, worn down doors, and dead flowers to garner any kind of daily attention to her blog. Eli seduced her as well, knowing full well she had to keep her hands down the pants of both the Pecker and Jessi. At this point, it didn't matter that The Pecker was sleeping with Eli, Jessi was sleeping with The Pecker, and an unconfirmed report still, Eli being inappropriate with Jessi. Jessi had also realized Eli's talent as a businesswoman with the necessary financial backing needed.

With one hand in each cookie jar, Eli & Jessi convinced each other while drinking cans of beer that a bag could be made using the same can coolers they were using. Photographers, especially women, could be fooled into thinking that by placing an ugly attractive pillow case cover to customize each bag, they could make millions. After getting an old neoprene surf suit from their friend Mickey the surfer, they went to work. With the backing of their network circle who were doing their own part to fool the masses, they managed to get their friends to begin talking about how wonderful this $3 in materials bag was worth spending $150 for. They proudly called it the WetSac. Even though many complained about its inferior sad design and even damaged lenses, the marketing & perceived 'rockstars' endorsements helped drown out all of the negative reviews. Jessi was ecastatic by the sales, but Eli was over the moon. Eli's stake was earning her a nice nest egg, but just not with Jessi. Now it was time to play her Pecker card as well.

Eli and The Pecker had been talking about starting an online forum for wedding photographers together. Sure all of the information and education photographer's needed was free and available in many forums online already, but they figured if the mass of photographers were sheepish enough to pay $150 for a can cooler bag, they would be willing to pay $120 a year subscription to feel like they were getting some break neck information. A few short months later, Eli and The Pecker released "The P Class." To new photographers, the slick website looked like it could help them market themselves, even though they didn't have a solid technical knowledge or experience about the craft of photography. However, amongst themselves, The Pecker and Eli joked about how moronic people were to pay for already free information. They didn't care people weren't fully trained or experienced photographers, they were going to teach them how to fake it till they made it. Of course, they would never disclose this in public, but amongst themselves, they were laughing all the way to the bank.

As time went by, The P Class showcased talentless photographers that came to promote their own workshops, such as Scarlett Clueless and Stephen Nutthsac. Of course, all of these photographers were exposed later on as being frauds and were never seen again.

Jessi, Eli, and The Pecker had created a small marketing pyramid to promote their products and services. Eli had a stake in both of them, making twice the money both were making. The triangle of seduction was a success, and Eli was loving every minute of her master plan. The Pecker realized this and knew he would have to commit to an ongoing relationship with Eli in order to secure a financial future. He managed to convince her he would always wear clothing around her and only be naked with the lights off. She reluctantly agreed, knowing she needed his loud mouth and branding just as much as he needed her now.

Things were beginning to look like bliss and joyful in their little fantasy land of duping photographers of their money...but this was all going to change. There was a storm brewing they never expected at a new news network called PZN. Change was in the air...

What will happen next? What will this PZN Network uncover? Stay tuned for part 2 of our short story as the drama continues to unfold in....The Triangle of Seduction!

Part 1 of "The Triangle of Seduction" was brought to you with limited commercial interruption by a grant from the @thebschool and @shootsac, who will also each donate $10,000 to an orphanage in Haiti.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

PZN Breaking News: The Lillians Found??

Wheeling, WV - March 24, 2030 - Twenty years after doing the wedding photography industry a huge favor by disappearing, sister and brother @scarlettlillian & @stephenknuth have turned up hiding in an isolated inbreeding valley located in the Southern Appalachia part of West Virginia. Back in 2010, a few short weeks after the couple was newly engaged, things came to light when Scarlett Lillian was giving one of her fraudulent workshops. One of the attendees asked what the term 'aperture' meant. Scarlett proudly nickered and neighed, then responded, "Oh, like, that's how much a lens costs." Stephen knowing Scarlett knew more about the Sham-Wow then photography, attempted to throw a Nerf football into Scarlett's mouth before she could answer. However, it arrived a split second too late. The damage had been done. Though the Nerf football had landed and fit comfortably in her mouth, all in attendance stared in horror & disbelief that such a novice person was even teaching a photographer's workshop. Scarlett quickly attempted to bribe the attendees with her engagement ring, but that failed as well. It turned out the ring Stephen bought to propose to his sister was a $100 cubic zirconia.

The news was first broken by PZN (PhotogZilla Network) within minutes. Days later, the infamous Hotshot Photographer's Pop Quiz was chartered to be given to all wedding photographers a week later. Hundreds were scheduled to be given the Pop Quiz, including @kennykim, who out of fear of being exposed of having no knowledge besides of Italian bread and had come to notoriety after winning the 2010 WPPI Guiness Book of World Records for the talent of being able to juggle the testicles of five grown men at the same time without them knowing it, was reportedly seen leaving on a flight to Korea disguised as a missionary. The Pop Quiz was given by veteran photographers @BambiCantrell, @jgarnerphoto & @david_beckstead, who themselves are now co-owners of the largest chain of family portrait studios "Matching Sweaters." (Speaking of Jim, Boda V24 was released yesterday with the all new built in collapsable photo booth; the Seattle Kiwi Green Mocha color has been discontinued).

The day of the Pop Quiz, after both Scarlett & Stephen could not get past the first question of naming the two largest manufacturers of cameras, they left their Shitsacs (aka @shootsac) behind at the test center and walked out, never to be seen again. Others who did complete the test, failed beyond the surprise of the WPPI members who were also present to witness. Failed Pop Quiz takers included hot-air talkers @danesanders & @_davidjay. WPPI was ashamed they had been duped for so long and fired their board for corruption & other charges of favortism (PZN is currently working this story). One notable test taker did surprise many though; @jeshderox managed to pass the Pop Quiz. Strangely though, only after filling out the answers in crayon & color pencils, he applied layers of transparency paper splattered with oil paint & carbon chalk smeared vignettes. Other Pop Quiz takers reported his eyes were blood shot during the entire period of what was supposed to be a 1 hour exam, which actually took Jesh 4 hours as he kept breaking into a guitar solo in between questions.

Fast forward to now, the year 2030. A few days ago, a young person walked into one of the "Matching Sweaters" chain studios located in Wheeling, WV for a portrait session. The above image was taken by one of the employees and forwarded to the PZN offices. We have confirmation from the employee at the studio who verified the ID, that the person pictured above is none other then the offspring of brother & sister couple Stephen & Scarlett Lillian. The offspring was identified as 'Stallion Lillian' per the driver's license, but no confirmation has been received whether it was a male or female as the person did not speak, but only neighed. The employee also confirmed the father of the strange looking creature was also present during the shoot to speak for the offspring and identified himself as Stephen Lillian. This is also proof supporting earlier reports that Stephen had indicated to close friends back in 2009 that he would take on Scarlett's last name in an attempt to gain more Twitter followers after his attempts had failed in securing a relationship with influential men, such as rapper Eminem, @_davidjay and @jessicaclaire, the creator of the now defunct @Shootsac (aka Shitsac). Some may remember reports of Jessica being arrested in the summer of 2010 for stealing neoprene beer can covers from Dollar Stores across California and using pillow case covers from Goodwill to assemble Shitsacs. Also, some may recall Shootsac finally declared bankruptcy following plummeting sales after consumers realized they could make their Shitsac bags with $3 worth of materials.

No further details are available at this time regarding any other Lillian herd sighting, however, a PZN news crew has been deployed to West Virginia, being safely driven by our veteran 20 year bus driver @thebecker (for those who remember, Becker was grounded by his mom to his basement and was never able to make any Pop Quiz test dates, yet u can still see him on

Stay tuned to PZN as new details develop. Share your news by following & DM'ing PZN.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...