Tuesday, March 23, 2010

PZN Breaking News: The Lillians Found??

Wheeling, WV - March 24, 2030 - Twenty years after doing the wedding photography industry a huge favor by disappearing, sister and brother @scarlettlillian & @stephenknuth have turned up hiding in an isolated inbreeding valley located in the Southern Appalachia part of West Virginia. Back in 2010, a few short weeks after the couple was newly engaged, things came to light when Scarlett Lillian was giving one of her fraudulent workshops. One of the attendees asked what the term 'aperture' meant. Scarlett proudly nickered and neighed, then responded, "Oh, like, that's how much a lens costs." Stephen knowing Scarlett knew more about the Sham-Wow then photography, attempted to throw a Nerf football into Scarlett's mouth before she could answer. However, it arrived a split second too late. The damage had been done. Though the Nerf football had landed and fit comfortably in her mouth, all in attendance stared in horror & disbelief that such a novice person was even teaching a photographer's workshop. Scarlett quickly attempted to bribe the attendees with her engagement ring, but that failed as well. It turned out the ring Stephen bought to propose to his sister was a $100 cubic zirconia.

The news was first broken by PZN (PhotogZilla Network) within minutes. Days later, the infamous Hotshot Photographer's Pop Quiz was chartered to be given to all wedding photographers a week later. Hundreds were scheduled to be given the Pop Quiz, including @kennykim, who out of fear of being exposed of having no knowledge besides of Italian bread and had come to notoriety after winning the 2010 WPPI Guiness Book of World Records for the talent of being able to juggle the testicles of five grown men at the same time without them knowing it, was reportedly seen leaving on a flight to Korea disguised as a missionary. The Pop Quiz was given by veteran photographers @BambiCantrell, @jgarnerphoto & @david_beckstead, who themselves are now co-owners of the largest chain of family portrait studios "Matching Sweaters." (Speaking of Jim, Boda V24 was released yesterday with the all new built in collapsable photo booth; the Seattle Kiwi Green Mocha color has been discontinued).

The day of the Pop Quiz, after both Scarlett & Stephen could not get past the first question of naming the two largest manufacturers of cameras, they left their Shitsacs (aka @shootsac) behind at the test center and walked out, never to be seen again. Others who did complete the test, failed beyond the surprise of the WPPI members who were also present to witness. Failed Pop Quiz takers included hot-air talkers @danesanders & @_davidjay. WPPI was ashamed they had been duped for so long and fired their board for corruption & other charges of favortism (PZN is currently working this story). One notable test taker did surprise many though; @jeshderox managed to pass the Pop Quiz. Strangely though, only after filling out the answers in crayon & color pencils, he applied layers of transparency paper splattered with oil paint & carbon chalk smeared vignettes. Other Pop Quiz takers reported his eyes were blood shot during the entire period of what was supposed to be a 1 hour exam, which actually took Jesh 4 hours as he kept breaking into a guitar solo in between questions.

Fast forward to now, the year 2030. A few days ago, a young person walked into one of the "Matching Sweaters" chain studios located in Wheeling, WV for a portrait session. The above image was taken by one of the employees and forwarded to the PZN offices. We have confirmation from the employee at the studio who verified the ID, that the person pictured above is none other then the offspring of brother & sister couple Stephen & Scarlett Lillian. The offspring was identified as 'Stallion Lillian' per the driver's license, but no confirmation has been received whether it was a male or female as the person did not speak, but only neighed. The employee also confirmed the father of the strange looking creature was also present during the shoot to speak for the offspring and identified himself as Stephen Lillian. This is also proof supporting earlier reports that Stephen had indicated to close friends back in 2009 that he would take on Scarlett's last name in an attempt to gain more Twitter followers after his attempts had failed in securing a relationship with influential men, such as rapper Eminem, @_davidjay and @jessicaclaire, the creator of the now defunct @Shootsac (aka Shitsac). Some may remember reports of Jessica being arrested in the summer of 2010 for stealing neoprene beer can covers from Dollar Stores across California and using pillow case covers from Goodwill to assemble Shitsacs. Also, some may recall Shootsac finally declared bankruptcy following plummeting sales after consumers realized they could make their Shitsac bags with $3 worth of materials.

No further details are available at this time regarding any other Lillian herd sighting, however, a PZN news crew has been deployed to West Virginia, being safely driven by our veteran 20 year bus driver @thebecker (for those who remember, Becker was grounded by his mom to his basement and was never able to make any Pop Quiz test dates, yet u can still see him on www.theBretirementhome.com).

Stay tuned to PZN as new details develop. Share your news by following & DM'ing PZN.

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