Sunday, August 8, 2010

Shootsac Wakes Up Lowers Prices, Still Not Popular

The little surfers who sacrificed their wet suits for the sake of making a quick buck on cheap bags by ripping off naive newbie photographers have apparently been given a dose of reality. After our story was published a few days ago, Shootsac made an announcement today that they would be having a Shootsac Outlet sale. Details are scarce at this time, but it appears PZN's friends at the Wine Catalogue selling a much better neoprene option for $24.95 is really getting to our good friend Jessica Claire. Especially since the wine bag is so much taller and cooler looking (yes, pun intended). However, we also have unconfirmed reports that sales of the Shitsac have been absolutely horrible and continue to decline as people continue giving bad reviews to the bag after realizing it is nothing more than a beverage cooler for three. No matter, the PZN staff is just delighted to see Jessica has stopped smoking whatever the Becker was slipping her and going in a different direction. We just hope she comes to her senses and stops ripping off naive photographers with such a silly excuse for a bag disguised under cheesy pillow cases from Target. A little bird also told us that Ms. Claire has fired Becker and wants to make an offer to our sexy chief Photogzilla to come on board as a consultant. One of our PZN interns said she couldn't afford to hire Photozilla's sexy ass anyway.

Sadly, even with this announcement, we at PZN collectively agree that we would only use a Shitsac if it was given away with free highlighters at a job convention, along with all the other junk. How much do you think Jessica should sell the Shootsac for?

Keep Stalking Photogzilla!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Subliminal Marketing for Photographers: Lesson #20-something

Holy Dunkin' Donuts Batman! It seems like its been forever, doesn't it? We got many loving emails, direct messages, threatening letters sprayed with perfume, and a couple of lovely fruit baskets asking where the hell PZN had gone off to. Well, the PZN staff was given a long needed break while our sexy chief Photogzilla was off shooting weddings and other nonsense; hot women, clubs, booze, sex, Jersey Shore. To tell you the truth, he's still out of the country on one of those fancy celebrity destination weddings. Fret not though, when he returns, he's going to blog and tweet about the whole thing, name drop whoever he sees, and even do some @mentions on Twitter pretending the celebrity is actually going to see it and really care about another 'vendor servant' at their wedding.

Enough of that. Our hotter than Brad Pitt sexpot chief Photogzilla, who is currently messing around with Jennifer Aniston, sent this in to us and told us to blog it. It's about our uber fabulously boring friend Jessica Claire, who recently realized Facebook, Twitter, and blogs are all places to actually interact with people. Yes, even she has come down from her throne to respond to comments & questions left by poor village peasants.

Well, today's lesson is directly related to the overall constant barrage of marketing & campaigning of anything you sell; your services, your products, your body, your soul, whatever. The rule is this: discuss a topic that appears to be helpful on the surface, but always plug your product in some way or form, even it is not related to the question. This is our product placement strategy. Just be sneaky about it.

For instance, say someone asks you what kind of lenses do you use? The novice simpleton would reply with a list of all of their most used lenses. However, if you know how to Jedi mind trick the flocks of sheep, you slip in a word about, say, your shitty overpriced bag of a product you want to sell. Of course, this isn't relevant to the question, but you're a real marketing sleuth.Your demographic of innocent housewives won't even smell out your cunning ways. And don't forget to put a link either.

Jessica Claire - Pretend To Be Helpful, Capture The Plug Opportunity:

Aside from the great example on how to be sneaky with your product plugs, the question on what lenses one uses is one of the funniest of our times. We would hope that anyone who purchases any lens knows why they are getting it. Not because some law school dropout said she shoots wide open with a 85 1.2, so you do the same.

Ring-Ring-Ring, it's Photogzilla on the phone:
"You would think the Stupids in our industry would have made a turn for the better over the past few months, but it just goes to show you that the Stupids like having me around. And yes, Stupids is my answer to the label of the Grumpies. Use it anytime you see my good friend Dane Sanders. Anyway, I hope my staff has helped out those of you out there that are trying to market your shitsacs to the flocks of newbies with these types of groundbreaking questions. There IS such a thing as a stupid question, but it's a great opportunity to be a plugging whore. Plug your mother if you want to."

So remember kids; it is very important to plug your product at every turn, especially if you're trying to be helpful. These moments are when people are in their most vulnerable state and ready to dip their faces into molten lava if you tell them to. Isn't subliminal marketing awesome?!?

By the way, when the PZN staff is working, our chief always brings in 3 bottles of wine from his destination weddings to help us loosen up. He carries the bottles in a beautiful black bag from our friends at Wine Enthusiast Catalog. This spacious & fashionable bag is made from, wait for it...neoprene. And yes, we did say 3 wine bottles. Fourteen inches high. Wait a minute. You're getting ahead of us here. Did you say a lens up to 70-200?? You read our minds! And if you order now, you can get it for the ultra low price of...$24.99! No, you're not going blind. You read that correctly. Huh? You got ripped off with that other diaper shitsac bag? Oh. Wow. How much? You did get ripped off. What? Cost of this? Well, since you asked so nicely; neoprene, zipper, thread, large storage pocket, tote handle...we think it probably costs around $2 fitty to make each one. Maybe less.

The $179 Shootsac - Always Laying Down On The Job Compared To Our Wine Lens Bag

Tune in next time for another exciting lesson!

Until then...Keep Stalking Photogzilla!
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