Bargain: Jessica Claire Overpay for BullSh*t Workshop, $1500 for 3 Hours (Shoot for Sh*t)

One of our staffers in the office has been getting a lot of scam emails from Nigeria. He even tried to go through one hoping he would make $15 million dollars for helping a dying old man move some money from an off shore account. Sadly, after losing $3,000 via Western Union to some guy in Nigeria, our staffer learned the hard way. So to avoid making the same naive mistake, we helped him install a superduperfly scam-spam email filtering software. This software is 100% accurate and does a wonderful job of making sure our naive staffer doesn't get duped again by sending all scam-spam mail to the junk folder. There is only one issue; emails from his mom somehow get marked as spam because she emails him every morning to make sure he got into work okay and brought lunch. So the staffer has to go through the folder each day to make sure he didn't miss anything from his dear mother.

Earlier today, as our newbie staffer was cleaning out his Junk Mail folder, he came across this very important spam mail from Jessica Claire. It appears she is also holding workshops in the off season to supplement her Shootsac habit. The desperation in her tone seems to indicate she may be in dire straits.

We at PZN want to help Jessica out with her efforts to make a quick BIG buck off of naive photographers out there willing to fork over upwards of $1500 that may be lying around your house or saved up for a rainy day. Don't be selfish; if you can give more, we encourage you to also purchase two or three of her amazing 3-can cooler bags, the Shitsac. And don't you dare complain these are over priced sewn neoprene bags at $179.

Please see below the spam mail she sent out earlier this week, in what we believe is the original unedited version forwarded to us after our editor Photogzilla went through to remove parts where Jessica spoke about herself in third person.

Happy Whatever The F*ck Day It Is!

As wedding season winds to a close and we head into booking season and the new year, it's time for me to focus on making insane amounts of money from naive moms with cameras so that I can make enough to keep Shoosac afloat through next year! I am so excited to announce that from now until the end of the year, I will be accepting SHOOT FOR BULLSH*T (aka PAY FOR BULLSH*T) private consulting sessions! These sessions will be offered for as long as I can get away with it and will be scheduled one after the other if I'm lucky and you're stupid enough!

What's the Scam?

Between now until newbie photographers wise up, I have three types of sessions available (all sessions take place in Orange County, where all high ballers live):

SKYPE THE BULLSH*T:  ONLY one hour Skype consulting session:  $400

SHARE THE BULLSH*T:  ONLY one hour, in person consulting session over lunch (at Jack In The Box and on me):  $500

SHOOT THE BULLSH*T:  3 hours, one hour of consulting over lunch, a one hour shoot (you can model if ur not fat or ugly so I can actually blog about you, or I will have to get a good looking model, couple or family), and one hour of processing where I just run some Photoshop RAD actions:  $1500

OK, I Want To Be Suckered.  Now What?

In order to schedule a session, all you have to do is send an email to blog@jessicaclaire.net with the following information:  Your name, your blog or site, the type of session you are interested in wasting your money on, and the approximate time frame you'd like.

The Skinny for the Scam To Work:

You are responsible for the information you receive during your session because I'm only there to collect my money and give you canned answers!  Please come prepared with questions, topic, work, or anything else you'd like to discuss in order to get the most out of my time because I have to go shopping with your hard earned money asap. The more prepared you are with questions and the things you'd like to discuss, the faster I can stop wasting my time with you!  No topic is off-limits, and I will answer any question you have to the best of my recollection from everything I picked up over the years from more skilled photographers on the DWF forum.

You must book and schedule your session between now and the end of the year (the session must take place within that time as well).

Full payment will be due at booking for SKYPE & SHARE sessions. For SHOOT sessions, half is due at booking, and half is due the day of the session. I'm very sorry, but no refunds are available once you realize all the answers you got from me were nothing special and won't help you further your photography nor your business, except my own.  If you need to reschedule your session for any reason, you may reschedule one time for another date in 2010 subject to when I'm not Twittering from my dog's account.

The Smoke & Mirrors Hookup:

If you book ANY session between now and the end of the year that will take place before the end of the year, I'm going to make it look like your getting a bargain by taking off a measly 10% off the price!  You may ALSO bring one other gullible and naive person with you to any of these sessions so you both can split the cost, but still be able to bitch together on how I ripped you BOTH off.

Thanks so much everyone, and I look forward to taking your money soon!

xoxo (do I sound cool, like Gossip Girl??)
jessica claire
www.jessicaclaire.net

Did you or someone you know take a workshop from Jessica Claire? We want to hear from you. PZN asks you share your experience in the comment section below so others can make an informed decision.

Read recent related workshop scams: Jasmine Star & YWD Magazine "A Girl In A Chair" Workshop Review

Keep Stalking The Real Rockstar...Photogzilla!

Internet's Courageous Photogzilla Ballz: Doug Boutwell & Friends Want Some

PZN was mailed this blog draft copy that Doug Boutwell (pronounced butt'well we think) reportedly wrote, but never published. We couldn't figure out why after comparing what he actually posted on his blog, because we really agreed with this version below. We also have to warn you that both Doug Boutwell and his friends, like the Becker, use profane language like its their job. Please make sure your kids are illiterate so they can't read this:

"The other day I became so bothered enough about a trend in the photo community to sit down and write some thoughts about it. Plus, my Ridiculous Asinine Dipshit (RAD) Actions aren't selling so well since people are actually figuring out how to brighten & over saturate their own photos, and also that my west coast friends aren't plugging me enough. So I'm writing this blog post to get some much needed attention and buzz. I know that by even getting two sentences into this article, I’ve already let the terrorist-Photogzilla-Rockstar win, but like the old lady from the Burger King commercial said: “Where's the beef?”

Twitter, Facebook, and the blogosphere have their own special breed of ball cradlers and narcissistic morons, and I'm no exception. Personas that exist solely for the purpose of intimidating, ridiculing, and generally tearing down anybody who dares to question self proclaimed leaders who's only intention is to be in the spotlight. I privately fancy myself and my friends as some sort of innocent angels of charity, guiding the inured newb sheep away from the eye opening anonymous voices that expose the elite-wannabe opportunists. I see the Photogzillas of the world as Twitter terrorists that are out to destroy the stage my friends built with fancy business cards. I am just like the self-styled close friends of mine, defending them because we have business relationships where money is constantly changing hands and ridiculous plugging of my products (Remember: 'A' is for asinine) all over and spend our time taking pot-shots from behind online blogs, sparing no opportunity to cross-defending friends who are disillusional enough to call themselves industry leaders.

Sure, secretly, I admit that the pointed barbs of truth and cynical jabs are GTFOH (Editor Note: Get The Fuck Out Hilarious), and definitely on point. We all could use a bit of reality when we aren't shooting much, so we resort to selling fluff workshops, actions, books, and anything that a naive newb will buy. Anyone that knows me, like my close friend Becker, Jessica Claire, and anyone else I hang with in the OC, knows that I only rant and bitch about the world in acronyms because I'm too big of a pussy to spell out GTFO (Editor Note: Get The Fuck Out). But at a certain point, the truth begins to represent the kind of worldview that makes me and my friends, literally, a loser. If all you Photogzillas are pointing out the problems, and all our self-proclaimed heroes who include starting words in their Twitter profile as "Leader," "Speaker," and then maybe include "photographer," are your villains, it has a tendency to drag our platform of easy money making down.  Devoting an entire website or Twitter account to burning our shit down isn’t just depressing, it points how dysfunctional we are at our photography business. It's true; time we spend blocking and ignoring all of you instead of confronting the reasons behind the lashing, we're NOT spending doing something productive, like actually taking photos.

To be more succinct – toddlers cry and hit things when the world turns on them and exposes their stinky diapers they've been wearing around while selling moronic books and workshops, giving speeches of empty motivation and no real learning of the craft (trust me, I have OC friends).  Adults, like Photogzilla and all those 'phony' Twitter accounts, figure out how to expose the real phonies so we can fix it. They take time away from their real photography business, get up off their asses and work at making the world a better place. If all you do is bitch and moan, and call those that call you out "assholes,' you’re basically a FBAP (Editor Note: Fucking Bitch Ass Pussy), like my junk food addict pal, Chris Becker (Editor Note: aka 'The Becker,' The Pecker,' 'Principal of Dropouts A-Many B-School'). Check out his moronic rant where he basically calls anyone who follows Photogzilla an asshole:

 

Of course, no ANONYMOUS people spend 100% of their time calling out all of my circle of friends or others trying to profit from people's ignorance, or they wouldn’t have any real photography businesses to run. The fact is most of the friends I'm defending act as if they still are in high school. That delusion is an important social construct in their minds for them to function everyday. With being online, their true social worth is removed and they can bedazzle themselves into popular high school rockstars with some fancy blogs. Most of us are faking it, but some of our real side leaks out, and we get angry when people realize we're the ones who are actually peeing in the pool and biting off more than we can chew. We thought it was kinda cute at first, but like kids, we're still throwing fits and now owning up to how little we have to offer. After all this, it’s grating and exhausting I'm sure to listen to my friends and other phonies repeatedly just sound like motivational hot air. For me, endless stream of cynicism is long past due and I realize, well deserved.

Furthermore, the real way to build a better world is not to concentrate all your energy on tearing down the people that criticize and call out my friends and others who are only after fame.  If you’re angry at the Photogzillas, channel that anger into something positive and start by unblocking people like him. Ignoring others is equal to saying your opinion is not important. If you don’t like the way your position in the industry is questioned, take positive steps to make it better. Shine the spotlight on your criminal ways of conning people, instead of trying to hate on Photogzilla for calling your ass out.  Tell people how little you know about photography & the industry, instead of focusing on how they should buy your book or actions to help them fasttrack to pro levels of rockstardom. Champion people that challenge and question you, instead of ridiculing and ignoring what they say. That’s how true leaders act; they embrace their weaknesses along with their strengths; the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you don’t like people like Photogzilla, then don't be arrogant and ignore them. There’s no use ignoring the problem that people like my friends are perverting the industry.

Yes, dialog needs to happen. When industry leaders step out of line, anyone, anonymous or not, DOES have a responsibility to call them on it. When the emperor is naked, the Photogzillas of the world should absolutely tell them so. Someone needs to be checking the kool-aid before we all drink it, cuz we've been drinking and passing it on for far too long. But it’s a slippery slope for my narcissistic buddies because it’s too easy to turn into a negative asshole like how Becker, David Jay, and others who rant about being bullied and told we're 'naked.' Sure someone should give many of these self proclaimed leaders a time-out for taking it too far. If you've ever gone to a workshop or bought one our products, didn't get much out of it, then went out and actually learned the craft of photography and business, then realized how full of shit we were, then you probably know you what I'm talking about. And if we egomaniacs can’t be bothered to stand our cash flow disappear and be discovered like the Wizard of Oz, I can’t imagine why anyone ever gave us credibility in the first place.

So I’m officially calling out all my friends, David Jay, Dane Sanders, Becker, and other cynics on the interwebs, both in and out of the photo world. Stop behaving like children and trying to be the post popular kid in high school. If you are so passionate about photography, go and actually shoot and stop trying to make money off of naive newbs who don't know any better. Otherwise, STFU and GTFO.  And by the way, your motivational powerpoint slideshow could use a change. It's been like 5 years."

PZN Editor: Like we said, we like this version of Doug's post better than what he published. What do you think in comparison? See the original here.

Keep Stalking Photogzilla!